Then there are hot takes.
PHOTOS: SFW Cam Newton pics | MORE: Cam shouldn’t cater to YOU
Let’s break down this book’s beautiful absurdity, one step at a time:
— The author has chosen the nom de plume of Caroline Blue. You might recognize this as an oh-so-subtle homage to the team with which Newton plays (Carolina Panthers) and one of the colors the team wears on its uniforms (blue).
— The stock photo-stuffed book cover bears about as much resemblance to Cam as I do.
Apparently, Miss Blue is campaigning hard to make the “They all look the same” Hall of Fame. Pro tip: When aiming for a Pulitzer with your naughty Newton novella, go beyond the first Google Images result for “black man smiling, stock.” Do better, Caroline.
— That said, the author clearly brought a loaded pun gun to the synopsis section of the self-publishing form. My goodness. An excerpt:
And I thought Cam was speechless after the Super Bowl. What do you say to that? Let’s just be glad Miss Blue published this before the Panthers lost to the Broncos and the world watched Newton hesitate to dive for a fumble. If this synopsis included the phrase “Will Cam be willing to go down and get dirty?” this post would probably get a NSFW label and get me fired.
Oops.
— There is, almost literally, nothing less sexy than dabbing with anyone. Just like this book cover, any semblance of “G” associated with the dance move has withered away with the wind of cultural reappropriation and fetishization.
— This book costs $0.99, or is free if you have Kindle Unlimited. Which, by Internet standards, is no small price to pay for stoking your … imagination.
Alas, this probably won’t be the worst thing written about Newton in 2016. Worse has probably been written this week. And considering that Newton has previously been named to two Cosmo lists — “Football’s Sexiest Butts” and “Hottest Players in the NFL” — we are well acquainted with the quarterback being the subject of poorly written infatuation.
“Stealing Chastity” by Devon Hartford.
What a time to be alive.
