But frankly, I don’t think I can stand another predictable sweep by a familiar old shoo-in. It’s not that I disrespect Bruce, it’s just that if he wins for best album and song, I’ll despise the Grammys even more than I do now. It will conjure up the days when Steely Dan won for best album, and no, it wasn’t 1974, it was 2000. It will remind me that Jethro Tull won over Metallica for best hard-rock album back in 1988. It may even bring back bad memories of the awful Nelly/‘N Sync performance last year–a sure sign of the impending apocalypse. But mostly, it will undo what little hope was instilled in me 12 months ago when the oddball mountain music of “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” won best album over monoliths likes U2 and Bob Dylan. It was a great moment. “O Brother” was not chosen for its commercial success or its classic rock appeal. It was simply a great album that slowly made its way onto people’s favorites lists, and a CD that won Grammys on artistic, and maybe even a little underdog, merit.
This year, I am hoping that will happen with Norah Jones. I want the unlikely, Blue Note jazz singer to sweep all five categories in which she’s nominated. It would be another one of those shocking moments when an innovative and relevant (and that is a key word here) artist prevailed.
It’s not as if Jones is the most daring thing out there. There are plenty of great albums that will never even make it to the nomination phase because they are too weird. But at least Jones represents a CD that made its way to people–organically. Another hope is that No Doubt’s “Rock Steady” will win best pop album. Really, if it were up to me, the group’s last CD would have been nominated in every category possible. I’d find a way to squeeze them into best polka record if I had to. I felt this way about OutKast’s “Stankonia” last year. Which brings me to my last meandering point: if I were king of the Grammys, every voter would have to take a crash course in hip-hop and learn that there is rap beyond Eminem and Will Smith. Her name is Eve and it’s likely Springsteen’s never heard of her.
I have decided to list a few of my own hopes for this year’s awards, even though some of them stand a Popsicle’s chance in hell of winning.
RECORD OF THE YEAR
First, let me explain the difference between record of the year and album of the year. Record simply means best single of the year, but they still insist on using ancient terminology from the Wurlitzer jukebox era (how very Grammy). Album is an entire record, I mean CD. Anyway, in this category, I hope Jones’s “Don’t Know Why” wins, and it does actually stand a good chance. It’s a cool, catchy song and doesn’t require choreographed dance moves or a billion-dollar video to come alive.
I will not be bitter if Eminem’s “Without Me” wins instead, though. It’s a great song, totally immature, funny and basically true. Productionwise, it’s genius. Nelly’s “Dilemma” is my third choice, just because he’s cute and has distinctive, if not a little too poppy, style. I could live happily never hearing Vanessa Carlton’s teddy-bear-and-hearts ballad “A Thousand Miles” or Nickleback’s soggy rocker “How You Remind Me” again.
ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Song for song, I say “The Eminem Show” and Jones’s “Come Away With Me” are by far the best albums on this list. (Even if Eve’s “Eve-o-lution” were on here, I’d have a hard time deciding who was tops.) Eminem’s record is slightly better than Jones’s, but I’m sick of him making all the money, so I’m going to root for Jones. Besides, she at least has a chance of toppling Springsteen’s “The Rising.” Nelly will likely take votes away from Slim Shady, so Norah’s my only hope on splitting the old-guy vote. The Dixie Chicks should not only go home losers for “Home,” but should be punished for their horrific cover of Fleetwood Mac’s 1975 “Landslide.” Their penance: the chicks should be forced to listen to Nickelback’s “How You Remind Me” 10 times in a row.
BEST POP VOCAL ALBUM
In a perfect world, where Britney is performing in empty malls and L.A.’s cult rappers Jurassic Five are huge MTV icons, “Rock Steady” by No Doubt would be the most qualified album in this category. The album incorporates dancehall, ska, quirky ’80s production and enough solid song structures to carry you all the way through the CD without ever having to use the skip button. If I were 12, though, I would wholeheartedly want “Let Go” by Avril Lavigne to win. She is sassy, has skater scabs on her knees and can kick any boy’s butt. So what if her album’s a little too polished? It’s the perfect bridge between the Hello Kitty and the hello-lots-of-makeup years. If I were more mature than I actually am, I would root for Jones’s “Come Away With Me” in this category, too. Though I love the record, it is not pop. Pop should be something you can eat snow cones and roller skate to, no thinking required. Pink’s “Missundaztood” is second to last on the list just because all the other candidates here made stronger albums, not because she sucks, though this CD is a patchy one. And I don’t think I even need to comment on the monstrosity that is Britney.
BEST RAP ALBUM
At the risk of sounding like one of Grammy’s clueless, old-guy, whiter-than-Conan O’Brien voters, I am going to push for Eminem’s “The Eminem Show” this year, even though he needs no help. He will win simply because he’s the only rapper with whom the voters are familiar. But I really do think he released one of the year’s most compelling albums and, as an artist, he rises far above his contemporaries in the creativity department. Nelly’s “Nellyville” is really more of a pop album, and with that in mind, it is a solid and fun CD. Also, I love his sing-songy cadence–totally unique, totally stands out. Ludacris’s “Word of Mouf” would be my third choice, though I feel it’s almost tied with Mystikal’s acerbic, gruff “Tarantula.” Petey Pablo’s “Diary of a Sinner: 1st Entry” comes in last simply because his moniker sounds more like kid’s board game than an artist I’d care to listen to.
BEST ROCK ALBUM
Does it really even matter this year?
BEST COUNTRY ALBUM
Last of all, Dolly Parton’s “Halos and Horns” should win this category because she deserves every award possible for returning to her mountain music roots and shunning modern Nashville’s slick sound. Same with Willie Nelson, though I’m less inclined to cheer on “The Great Divide” just because it seems like he comes out with an album every 10 minutes (is it just me?). The Dixie Chicks “Home” or Alan Jackson’s “Drive” will likely win simply because the two records helped bring country back from the dead in terms of sales last year. Also, Jackson wrote one of the few September 11-inspired ballads in any genre that actually made it on to radio. As for Joe Nichols, I have no idea who he is; therefore, his album “Man With a Memory” comes in last. Just thinking like a Grammy voter.
